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Darkness – Notes to the Maze


I’ve been looking back over the posts I’ve made these last few months and I realize how dark so many of them must seem to others.  I find it a bit surprising since I did not, do not, feel dark at all.  What I am feeling is a need to come to grips with time.  I have finally lived long enough that I can see there is an end to all this – not just admit it intellectually, but know it viscerally.

I know that particular fact is something that most folks spend their whole lives doing their best not to see.  I was like that myself.  I lived as though there was forever, as though I could rewrite my story whenever the whim took me.  But, now I realize that was a convenience, one that helped me get out of bed in the mornings and do what needed to be done.

Now I know that there is an end, for me, for all of us; and that it is not something to be feared, nor anything that requires nursery tales to keep the bogie man at bay. It is just a fact; like the fact that I am not tall, and not particularly good looking.

For me, a key step in growing up was learning to live with those things I can not change, not pretending they aren’t true or trying to “fix” them.  And I am learning to live with this thing I can not change.  I find it doesn’t diminish the joy of each day; or the love that I feel for those I love; or the love I feel them return to me.

I also realize now what all those who came before were trying to tell me. Their stories and their monuments were all about this one simple fact.  We are temporal, there is no changing it; and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise; who offers glib “answers” and magic escape clauses is either a poor frightened, deluded soul to be pitied or a vile liar out to bend the precious minutes of your life to their own purposes; to use them in their own vain attempt to prove they are exempt.

So, I apologize for the “darkness” and invite you to join me in the laughter and the richness that is there when the fear and the confusion fade  – and leave – just life; a gift, like flowers, to be enjoyed until it’s gone.


2 Responses

  1. Sig: This is so true and heartfelt. I feel the same way about life at this point. What others may view as dark can also be seen in another light. I see your work as an attempt to get at what is in your heart. You and I both know our mind often doesn’t like what our heart knows. I think the mind is the part of you that is trying to fool you into thinking it is “dark” and therefore a downer to others. But there is another side to the dark and that is in the shared moments of catharsis and insight into another human soul.

    Those of us on the downside of the hill are full of lots of emotions and the inevitable coming of the end signals a very special and strange emotional change. I, for one love hearing your musings because of the honesty we both love in our work. I think there is a lot about this process that can be said. I don’t think the old guys have wrapped it up because each person, each historical period that makes us who we are is unique and different. Please don’t stop or change what you are doing. I, for one, find your blog a most comforting soul companion on the lonely road we travel where most of those around us are strangers, though we may call them “friend.”

    • Your words are so kind and so welcome! I know you understand – that it is possible to know and speak the truth – no sugar – no Goodnight Moon and still know joy and a zest for life. It is precisely the reason why I follow your blog – I know I will read the real you – and find someone I respect and recognize as kindred.

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